Wow! I feel like I have so much power and freedom just having a venue to write and possibly have people read what I write. It’s also a bit scary for me to possibly have people read what I write, so this right here is taking a lot of courage. I decided to start this blog after thinking that maybe I could write a book. People tell me often, “you should write a book.” Who me??? That feels really big, so this is like a step down and a place to start.
I have had an awakening over the past several years. We’ll say it started about 2010 (but looking back, it’s been a lifelong challenge) when I was diagnosed as having a nodule on my thyroid. After testing and finding it to be a non-cancerous thing that just hangs out in my body, I started going to acupuncture to try and help the cause. At acupuncture I found out that based on Traditional Chinese Medicine, having a growth like this in one’s throat is said to be a result of unresolved anger or unexpressed emotions (or all of that). Makes sense, right? Like people say, “having a lump in your throat”, when a person cannot speak usually due to being highly emotionally impacted. Based on Western Medicine, there’s no theory like that, it just happens and who knows why. Poof!..All of a sudden you just have a big lump on your throat. Really?!?
So, if I remember correctly this was shortly after my ex-spouse came out to me as transgender. (I’ll probably write more about that in later posts just because it relates so much to finding one’s voice.) For the first 6 months of this coming out, it was a very hush-hush kind of thing. I was super confused, not knowing what the future would bring and feeling like before my very eyes I was losing the love of my life. I’ve never experienced such heart-wrenching pain in my life EVER. Having no idea what to do, how to tell family, friends or even how to talk about it out loud, I would spend my evenings in the bathtub sobbing and I just kind of kept my feelings all tucked inside the bubbles in the tub. I felt like my heart was being tortured. It was somewhere in all of this, I was told I have this lump in my throat.
I’m not going to pin these things together as direct cause and effect because I have always been a people pleaser and overall an agreeable, easy to get a long with person. Sometimes that comes at my detriment when I don’t speak up for myself and don’t honor my own needs and wants. If nothing else, getting this thyroid nodule has brought light to the very important need to express myself. I know now that emotional pain and stress, when not dealt with manifests in different ways. It’s different for everyone.
I am so happy to be on this journey to finding my voice. I call it an art because it takes practice to be heard and be graceful. Sometimes it gets messy and people get upset or I get hurt or all the other human things that happen with humans trying to communicate. It has not been easy, but life isn’t like shopping at Wal-Mart, as my acupuncturist would say. The most important thing is finding how to be true to myself. Honoring and respecting myself as I journey through this life.